Wow it had been a month since I wrote something here? What have I been doing in the past month? All I can say is... not much, and I'll be going on another spontaneous trip to China in 2 weeks. Beijing and Shanghai have to be amazing.

I have an opportunity to play at a coffee shop just opened recently. I had been digging out my sax again, feels great to actually practice for a reason. I'm excited, but also kinda freaking out. I don't even know if anyone would ever understand this feeling I have. I love playing music and I know I'm talented, but at the same time I feel incredibly insecure when I perform music. UofT was definitely the one to blame... what I've learned from there was that I am not a good musician, and I'll only be criticized for any imperfections. Performing Music is a synonym for Being Judged. No matter how I try to carry myself as a confident musician, I still cannot get over this fear.

I can't say I'm very happy now. I get stressed whenever I'm home. I don't want to think about the relationship between my parents. Don't really want to think about boys neither, almost all of them just wanted me physically. I guess we all have needs, but I hate the feeling of being "disposed". So far only Mr. Motorbike had been respecting my boundaries.

After a 2 month break, I saw him again last week... I can't say I liked him as much as I did back in August, but he's definitely a friend I can't afford to lose. He's someone who understands me, makes me feel good about myself, brings the better out of msyelf. I hope he feels the same from me =)

Back from the East Coast!!!

In 13 days, I've been to: Halifax, Sydney, Cape Breton Highlands in NS, Charlottetown, Summerside and Cavendish in PEI, Moncton in NB, and Montreal QC. It was definitely an exciting, wonderful, adventurous and pretty spontaneous trip! I miss the life being out there already, I'm now sitting home feeling a bit devasated.

I experienced ppl and things very differently when I'm out there. I've learned that I actually really appreciate Quebeois English. Love their accent, the way they take things literally. I felt like I've seen myself in a mirror, I should feel good about the way I speak, perhaps others actually find me just as adorable.

Whenever I blog, I always talk about boys. I've met an Irish Quebecois boy in Montreal, so I guess I'll call him Mr. IQ now. He's sweet, loves and knows Jazz, showed me around the streets and taught me french. We stayed together till the very last minute I had to leave. However, I just found out that he deleted me on facebook? Hmmm... I know it's only a 3 day deal, but... it's unfortunate that you can't stay in touch in at least some ways with someone cool you met. I'm going to give my last attempt in messaing him, hope I don't lose him.

Back to reality now. Look for teaching jobs? Back to Kelsey's? Clean up my room? Get back to my swimming routine? I feel lazy as a slug and I just wanna view the pictures I've taken from my trip.

Feeling Good =)

Feeling better about Mr. Motorbike's situation, it's really nothing bad after all. It's also because of what I've learned from my experience with Mr. Motorbike, I met up with Mr. Irish again, and told him everything about how I felt and what I had been thinking about him. It's just so awesome that we're able to open up to each other and talk to each other. I spent a great night with him and I know we can be friends without feeling awkward. Both guys are truly attracted to me, and truly like me for who I am and truly care about me. May be I'm just not someone they want to commit to, but at least I know I'm a very unique, attractive and lovable girl. The real Mr. Right will come some day.

I'm OFF to the East Coast for 14 days!!! NS, NB, PEI and QC.... here I come!!!

So, I was really just dreaming.

I was not paranoid, good things don't last, and I was prepared for this. Everything seemed too perfect to be true, I knew that's impossible.

The discussion about what Mr. Motorbike and I wanted from this had finally come up. It's not exactly a bad thing, he finds me attractive and unique, and cool to hang out with, he just needs some time off to figure out how he feels about this and what he wants from this. I believe I have to do the same for myself, I really need to think about what I want as well. I have always seen him as a friend, feelings might have slowly developed cuz I was attracted to his qualities, and the kissing might have confused me as well.

It's not a bad thing, it's just reality check. I need to know what I want from this, from him and for myself. I'm a bit bummed, only cuz I was a bit on the "hoping something will happen" side after the kissing, but it hasn't been deep and I'm okay. I'm glad to know what he's thinking from his side, so from now on I know how to position myself in this. Thanks for being so honest to me!!! I really appreciate that.

I believe I've grown up a lot... like I won't be solely depending on my feelings and let others do whatever and take advantage of me. It had always been the case... I'm only a jerk magnet cuz I set myself up for that. I should say bye to them from now on!!! You hear that Mr. Irish???!!!

Am I Dreaming?!!!

Motorbike ride along lakeshore, on the country side, passed by corn fields, farms, mountains, kissed by the waterfall, by the road side, by the edge of a cliff just before sunset..... cooked dinner, played guitar, piano, watched Finding Nemo..... seriously, can it be any better??!!!! I can't believe all these happened to me on Sunday! Am I dreaming? Did all these really happened?

Someone who likes me cuz of my smile, lets me be myself, reminds me to think for myself, likes my ugly new haircut... together we had so much fun and could just laugh at anything... we could play music together...

I can't believe this can happen to me. I know what happened to me b4 and this can't be true. I know I'm paranoid.

Btw, YES, finally a date that beats rollerblading with Mr. Irish. Sooner or later he'll be out of my system. yay.