Wrong Strategy

It had been a week. In the past week,  I was putting up  how much I shouldn't be upset about Mr. Irish. I shouldn't be sad because this is for the better.

Wrong, totally wrong strategy. It was not helping, and this is leaving me even more devastated.

I have come to realize that I am more hurt than I ever wanted to admit.

Come on, I should face this. I am sad. I am heart broken.

Something that was very significant to me, and was very special between us, isn't... the same... anymore.

I'm just being human, to be sad about it. I should just let myself be sad, be emotional... then cope with it. Time will take care of it. I will recover, and be okay again.

Goodbye Mr. Irish

Finally.... eh?

Mr. Irish, you probably appear in 90% of my xanga entries in the past year and a bit. Because you mean THAT much to me, you are THAT special to me, yet... I don't just tell everybody about you, because I don't think I should. Something was wrong in the relationship between us. It is getting no where. Now that you're finally giving me a good reason to end this, I really should just end this now.

It's difficult though, becuase losing something special is devastating. You came into my life at this time for a reason, but I guess the purpose is served. It's time to... just let go...

You are so special to me that, you'll always have a special spot in my heart. I won't, and I can't just delete you off my system. You stay in my memory.

Well... let's see if this is actually my last time writing about you!!!

Currently Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life By Henry Cloud, John Townsend see related

Back from China!!!

My trip wasn't exactly "amazing", cuz nothing exciting happened. But it was definitely a great one, I'm glad I got to learn so much more about my heritage. I still remember bits and pieces of Chinese History I learn from Grade 4-7 when I was in Hong Kong. I'm glad I got to visit the Forbidden City, climbed the Great Wall, learned so much about tea, silk, and... bought a beautiful real fresh water PEARL NECKLACE!!!

Now I'm back, I gotta get back to my practicing routine! I'm so glad that I found the joy in practicing, and the love and passion in making music again. I gotta prepare myself to play at the Coffee Shop, and a Christmas Concert at Trillium Hospital. Believe me, it is actually really hard to believe in myself again. 6 years of university had convinced, and perhaps brainwashed me, that I am not a musician. I felt too exposed when I had to perform in front of others, everybody would criticize me. I really hope this isn't going to be the case, when I perform again.

Another friend of mine just told me she got a new bf!!! I'm truly happy for her. Trust me, I'm not at the point where I'm upset about everybody having a bf/gf and I'm whining about not having one. Rather, I'm starting to doubt with myself, there must be a problem in me. I am attractive, and wanted, a lot of boys like me, I'm seeing a couple of them, just that... nobody wants to commit to me. I'm also sick and tired of boys being irresponsible. And I'm not just talking about boys "I had an affair" with. What's with... Mr. Irish Quebecois who doesn't want to talk to me anymore, what's with "Mr. supposed to watch Toy Story with me", what's with Mr. Mohawk from Halifax who's supposed to spend 4 days with me in Toronto? Seriourly...

On my trip to China, I brought this book "Boundaries" with me, and I'm learning a lot from it. May be that would cure my problems.

Wow it had been a month since I wrote something here? What have I been doing in the past month? All I can say is... not much, and I'll be going on another spontaneous trip to China in 2 weeks. Beijing and Shanghai have to be amazing.

I have an opportunity to play at a coffee shop just opened recently. I had been digging out my sax again, feels great to actually practice for a reason. I'm excited, but also kinda freaking out. I don't even know if anyone would ever understand this feeling I have. I love playing music and I know I'm talented, but at the same time I feel incredibly insecure when I perform music. UofT was definitely the one to blame... what I've learned from there was that I am not a good musician, and I'll only be criticized for any imperfections. Performing Music is a synonym for Being Judged. No matter how I try to carry myself as a confident musician, I still cannot get over this fear.

I can't say I'm very happy now. I get stressed whenever I'm home. I don't want to think about the relationship between my parents. Don't really want to think about boys neither, almost all of them just wanted me physically. I guess we all have needs, but I hate the feeling of being "disposed". So far only Mr. Motorbike had been respecting my boundaries.

After a 2 month break, I saw him again last week... I can't say I liked him as much as I did back in August, but he's definitely a friend I can't afford to lose. He's someone who understands me, makes me feel good about myself, brings the better out of msyelf. I hope he feels the same from me =)

Back from the East Coast!!!

In 13 days, I've been to: Halifax, Sydney, Cape Breton Highlands in NS, Charlottetown, Summerside and Cavendish in PEI, Moncton in NB, and Montreal QC. It was definitely an exciting, wonderful, adventurous and pretty spontaneous trip! I miss the life being out there already, I'm now sitting home feeling a bit devasated.

I experienced ppl and things very differently when I'm out there. I've learned that I actually really appreciate Quebeois English. Love their accent, the way they take things literally. I felt like I've seen myself in a mirror, I should feel good about the way I speak, perhaps others actually find me just as adorable.

Whenever I blog, I always talk about boys. I've met an Irish Quebecois boy in Montreal, so I guess I'll call him Mr. IQ now. He's sweet, loves and knows Jazz, showed me around the streets and taught me french. We stayed together till the very last minute I had to leave. However, I just found out that he deleted me on facebook? Hmmm... I know it's only a 3 day deal, but... it's unfortunate that you can't stay in touch in at least some ways with someone cool you met. I'm going to give my last attempt in messaing him, hope I don't lose him.

Back to reality now. Look for teaching jobs? Back to Kelsey's? Clean up my room? Get back to my swimming routine? I feel lazy as a slug and I just wanna view the pictures I've taken from my trip.